Monday, March 16, 2009

Have I Told You Lately

Dear Chloe,

A lot of times I write about what you have accomplished. I haven't written about how I feel a lot. It was a big adjustment becoming a mother especially since the first 30years of my life was spent childless. I was selfish. I could do anything I wanted, at any time. If I was tired I took a nap, if I was hungry I ate. People would tell me life would never be the same after giving birth but they didn't tell me why or how.

I'm not the same person, I've become a mother. Your needs are more important than my own. I haven't slept in past 7am since your birth, there have been weeks when I haven't had the time to shave my legs and I have 2 inch growth, there are days I come home from work and I'm starving and tired but you must have a bath and get fed first. I can no longer go shopping whenever I please, I learned this a month or so ago. We got a late start and shopping/paying bills overlapped into your nap time. When we got home, an hour later than normal nap time, you refused to take one. That night, you were so overly tired, you fought sleep. It took me almost an hour to get you down. I vowed to never again miss your nap time. That means that I must get errands done between 8-11am or 2-5pm. If you told me three years ago that I had to have special shopping hours, I'd say you were cuckoo.

I have more appreciation for my mother now. I can understand other women when they tell stories or talk about their children. Before, I was just listening. I couldn't understand because I hadn't given birth. I never have loved a being so completely and deeply as you. From the moment I wake up to the deep sigh as I fall asleep, I think of you. In the middle of the night, I sometimes will listen to you coo and snore through the baby monitor and smile. You are the most precious thing in my life no matter how many sacrifices I make to be a good mom.

The last year has gone by the fastest in my life. Too fast, I wish I could go back in time and rock baby Chloe. You won't be still for more than 10 seconds now. You have two modes, full speed and sleep. You remind me of a puppy in that way. There are moments that will be frozen in my mind forever. The sweet moments of being a Mom, like last week when I picked you up from Mrs Y's. When I walked in the door and you saw me, you clapped your hands and grinned like I was a rock and roll star entering the arena. So, Chloe Jade, I just want you to know I will always be your number one fan too.

All My Love,

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